This is the last photograph I shared with Syed Muhammad Anas Uddin…And perhaps one of the only few where we all three are in the same frame. My Baby Brothers and Mom were headed to a distant relative wedding, and as always I chose to stay back and read. Both my brothers were dressed in their best/favorite suits and looking nothing short of handsome hunks. And I cannot even begin to express how much I adore this photograph. My Sir says I am practically glowing from inside here and he can literally feel the love. Today, my baby brother Anas would have turned 23 today and about to graduate in less than 6 months. Two years ago he left us cause he did not wish to lead a life of dependency, well at least that’s what I tell myself all the time, every time I start to question my acts/choices of June 17, 2014. Nonetheless we return to all that “he is in a better place” jazz and not that I am refuting against it but sometimes you just don’t want to buy all the ‘silver lining’ and would prefer to mourn your way and on your terms. And on some days that’s the only choice you have not because you are ‘helpless’, ‘unhappy’ or ‘defenseless’ but because that’s the only thing that makes sense. Yes, sometimes the only logical explanation is to ‘mourn’. Mourning does not necessarily mean you are miserable, or the fact that you cannot move on…sometimes mourning is just the ‘new normal’. And it does not always surface in terms of tears, sadness or denial…many a times it is just what you do to embrace the truth and get through each day. Other times it feels as if nothing happened you continue to deal with the shenanigans of your life, triumph at work, and ace your personal life and that one-heart-wrenching-truth remains isolated at the corner of your mind where it gradually eats you from inside yet continues to feed your ambitions for you and your family. It does not mean you are pretending to be happy, it means you have accepted the ‘New Normal‘…now this is your life and you have accepted it. You would have definitely preferred otherwise but you did not rebel in vain…you have learned to accept the fate and have developed a tolerance against the heartache. It shows in your eyes many a times but also helps you conceal when needed. It makes you neither a coward nor a wonder woman…it simply makes you human. And being human is so much easy and viable. I mean you don’t have to “invest” any further!
And you know the best part of being human? I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad whenever I want. I can choose to celebrate my book club’s anniversary and dance the night away or I can choose to type out a long post on Facebook on my late brother’s birthday. Isn’t this amazing? That feeling when no one on earth can define your happiness into brackets? When no one can pass on a judgement or a verdict on your state of mind? I know this post was supposed to be about my brother but I have lost two of the three men in my life and it obviously does not come easy but instead of whining about the bloody paycheck, the unreasonable pimple, or the whining peer…today I choose to tell myself that today it is okay to talk about pain and relief instead. Next time someone attempts to define your pain, kindly ask them to go fuck themselves.
Anas was totally fine with me using the F word and he often told me to use the word more so here I am on his birthday using the word probably the second time and I feel great. And you know what, I chose today to vent out and so I did…that’s the one of the things I shared with Anas, he called me his ‘Talks-too-much Sis’ and here I am doing just that.
I miss you Anas, every single day and every day I find a new reason to cherish the time I spent with you. You have left behind a legacy of friends, family, art and your music library (that I still don’t understand). Like each year, I ask you to return home if possible but knowing that you are rocking out with Pa does provide some degree of comfort (probably the only degree). I bought your favorite painting this month and I wish you were here to oggle at it and explain me the strokes, the colors and the theories which as always I would never get. Your friends say, Areeb is looking more and more like you with each passing day and even though I notice the similarities, on-face I tell him, Naaa you don’t look like Bobo which he also knows is just a bunch of Boohaki. Mom doesn’t say a word but we all know how she feels…she lived through Pa leaving us but when you left…you took away Mom too…she continues to say that you were the best child she had…And Areeb and I still have to hear lectures on your ‘goody-goody-two-shoe-ness’ but deep down I adore it when she tells me to be more like you. You know the other day, I met one of your friends at a public place and you know what he said: “App Anas Ki Sis Hain Naa…”
You cannot even begin to comprehend the extend of my bliss…to be known as your Sis…is something I consider one of my biggest achievements. And yes I continue to brag about your artistic and architectural skills to everyone I meet! Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me what it takes to be a Sister…the greatest relationship I have ever experienced.
Lot’s of Love and Talks,
Your Talks-too-Much Sis.
Your Talks-too-Much Sis.
