I’ve yet to decide what I want from my life…
It used to be all clear back then…
But now it’s all a blur…
I guess I can now whine about my father’s death.
It wasn’t a death to be exact…
It’s just that we don’t speak to each other now.
He doesn’t come home from Dubai…
Every three months.
He doesn’t buy practically the whole world for me…
He has no idea why I cannot read or write anymore…
And mom cannot stop thinking about him.
Wouldn’t call all that a matter of life and death now would we?
I’ve yet to come to terms with his demise, said a friend.
What terms…?
I know he won’t be there at my wedding.
What else do you want me to make peace with?
I haven’t cried a lot though…
I often feel like…
But then I decide to evade the feeling…
And rather invest the energy in doing something for my family.
Does that make me a heartless cold person?
I guess it does to some extent at least.
I don’t know the exact definition of pain yet…
Does pain mean to sit in a corner, mope, and whimper and cry out loud…?
Cause if that is…
Then I don’t feel an ounce of pain in my heart.
I was hoping it was more on the lines of emptiness…
A void that can never be filled…
A space that is evicted…
A dream that no longer holds meaning…
A family that sits quietly on the dining table…
A Bond movie that will never be the same again…
A salary raise that will not be celebrated…
A month of Ramadan that will be unusual…
And a woman who will not send three men to the Eid Prayers ever again!
As rest is all the same…
I go to work every day…
My mom cooks every day…
My brother’s annoy me every day…
My boss treats me like trash every day…
My personal life is still uncertain…
So I don’t see much of a reason to sit and cry and stop living my life.
So, does that make me a bad daughter…???
Certainly does not make me the best one around!
I’ve yet to come to terms with his demise, said a friend.
What terms…?
Do you want me to pen down a contract…?
With specific terms and conditions…
As to how I am supposed to live and feel now…?
Am I not permitted to express my sorrow in my own way…?
Or is it because I’ve to show the world…
And act in a specific manner…
To convince them that I am in complete grief!
Do I have to remove my display picture from Facebook…
To convince the world I am mourning?
Do I have to stop watching my favorite show…?
To show the world I am distort from inside…
Well then I am extremely sorry…
I cannot do that.
I rather be claimed, an ungrateful daughter…
Than be tagged as a anecdotal human being.
